Primal

I can't remember where I read or heard it, and I'm probably getting it all sorts of wrong by only having my memory as a resource, but here goes:

"A lion never thinks in terms of should."

A lion acts based upon primal instinct.

We make our way home to our husbands and our wives and we love our children.  And we want to make sure they are protected.  In the wild this instinct is understandable; when a lion can take down a giraffe, you best be on the lookout.  In the wilds of our imaginations there are so many feelings to sort through, we can't see the giraffe above the trees because we are too busy lying on the ground, writhing in the pain of worry masked as protection.   Each of us needs each other, maybe when we say we are protecting those we love we are actually protecting ourselves, feeding on our primal fear of being left alone.

But that's not entirely true.  When my children were born, I felt something primal inside of me that would have done anything, and still would, to ensure their safety, comfort and survival.  It was undeniable, I felt it in every pore of my body and, despite, feeling mentally drained, physically spent and utterly like a failure, I got up with them, held their hands while they fell asleep, fed them their favourite foods, and some not so favourite, cleaned their bodies, changed their sheets, and everything else that goes into being a mom.  And a dad.

Humans act on instinct way more than we give ourselves credit for.  Do we really need to ask ourselves why we are late for the twentieth time to the job we don't want to go to?  And yet we can't find our way to the job we were meant for because we are too busy mired in the muck of unhappiness.   A lion knows what he or she wants, there is no should.  A Zebra. A Giraffe. A Buffalo. The females of the pride work together and attack.  They don't always get their prey, but they know what they want and what they need and they go after it.  Sometimes they go hungry.  Every time they are true to themselves.  I'm not suggesting anyone quit their job, what I am suggesting is start finding your Zebra, fill out your pride, you may not always win, but you will find your way back to who you are.

Protection is an instinct.  The eco-systems we've built for our families for our lives, these keep us pushing for security.  Lions protect each other because they are wired that way.    Our desires are important and sometimes not so secure.  But, just as we want our children to flourish and our relationships to flourish, we need to flourish.  We need to dust ourselves off and take ourselves out of the desert and find water that makes us sparkle.  And if a Buffalo runs into our path, we don't need to worry, the lions have got it.

Sandra XXOO

Always.

Always remember who you are from the inside out.

Always be present.

Always smile if you can.

Always be kind, especially to yourself.

Always love.

Always keep on going, life is short enough as it is.

When you've fallen on your face and you can't get up.  Let someone help you.

When you've come to the end of the road, find a new one.

When you are sad cry your eyes dry.

When you can't hold your head up, do it anyway, if even for a millisecond.

When you are lost, don't always try to be found.  The road might be taking you somewhere you've never even thought of, never even seen, never even imagined.

Say what you mean, mean what you say.  Gossip is a suck hole.

Start where you are, one tiny thought at a time. Who knows where you'll end up?

Save your saving for yourself.  Let everyone else go.  Those you love, those you don't.  Freedom is the best teacher.

Stare up at the stars and down at the ground for as long as you need to.

Always be you.

Sandra XXOO

Wanting.

Life is full of things.

Things people say, things people do.

Eat.

Talk.

Write.

And On and On...

What are the things all about?!

I care for only a fraction of them and yet. like today, so much more kept intruding upon the one thing I wanted.

Is it the same for everyone?  Deep down, I believe yes.

We get through the day with one thing in mind:  We are going to watch that show when we get home.  After we pick up, feed, bathe and soothe the babes, we will watch The Bachelor (not me, right now, and absolutely no judgement).  We will meet our love at our favourite restaurant. We will flirt.  We will order pizza and almost sign up for a cleaning service.

What gets me through the day: A surprise chat.  A text.  A good parking spot.

There is nothing like hearing from that person that you are looking forward to hearing from.

There is nothing like watching your favourite show after a long day.

There is nothing like a few glasses of wine to unwind.

There is nothing like waking up the next morning, like a warrior, slaying the day, like only you know how.

But, of course, in between, each of us is racing through the reasons.

Why are we running through this day?

Sleep.

The cute girl at the coffee bar.

That one compliment you've been waiting for from your boss.

It changes, and it's okay, as long as it keeps you wanting, keeps you seeking rather than weakening your resolve to be here, on this earth, here and now.

Sleep tight, dream of the wanting you were meant for.

Sandra XXOO

What if I had just let go?

What if I had let go when the pneumonia was filling up my lungs and cancer took up residence in my body.  I was in pain.  My body was begging me to say good-bye.  The months before this had been full of hospital stays, mouth sores, crutches, and chemotherapy.

One nurse, perhaps in trying to make me feel better, I can only hope that was what she was going for,  said, "You will live with this for the rest of your life.  It will never go away."  My left foot, the cancer foot, does not work the same way as my right foot.  It doesn't bend as far, it doesn't have full feeling in it.  Shoes are always fun to look for.  But damn it, right, I get to wear shoes on both feet.  I kept my leg, I didn't have to amputate.  It was a long road.  But even twenty years later, that foot is doing some funky stuff and I had to go for an MRI recently, the first one in a really long time.

Maybe that's why I keep thinking of that room where I almost died.  Sometimes, and don't call the paramedics, I think it might have been better if I had.  I want to be clear, I want to live.  It's just that sometimes life gets so very hard and the simplest things like my messy house, long commute, noisy office and way too much work become mountains before me, mountains that I can't scale.  Or even get near enough to lay at their feet in hopeful prayer.

And then the cancer survivor inside of me says, I beat fucking cancer, why am I worried about the small stuff.  Here's the little bit of information all those self help books don't tell you, and I have read a lot of them.  The small stuff is where we live.  We sweat it.  We sweat it a lot.  It's learning how to manage it that makes the difference, we can't just turn it off.  But we can choose how to navigate the worm holes ahead.

I'm still learning, and I keep coming back for more.  More life.  I've let things spiral downwards, so low that I felt like I was that patient in that room and the pain was whispering sweetly, you can let go.  But I never will.  I know that, despite the lows, the loves and passions in my life are what keep me here.

This morning the sunrise was glorious, the sky was streaked in pink and orange swirls and the jagged silhouette of the mountains rose up to meet them.  The light blazed over and around, the mountains glittered against the hundreds of headlights of tired commuters heading their way.

The little things can also carry us through, if even for a brief moment, and sometimes that is all we need. I had respite from the swirling thoughts criss-crossing my brain.  For a brief moment the mountain was my friend and I let myself go in it's beauty.

Sandra XXOO