Careful Catastrophe

I lost my first draft of this post.

Careful catastrophe, indeed.

I am just one person, brought up by parents who did truly love me, but moved me around a helluva lot.  I had ABBA and beauty pageants.  Those things got me through.  School was hard.  No real friends, but I did manage to make the odd one here and there.

Life has never been easy but it has never been that hard, I had parents who loved me. Truly, loved me.

And that I know is a gift.

I went to school and looked mostly like everyone else, not sure that was quite the gift.

But, that is my story, or a snippet of it.

I guess I just want to say here.  Life right now is a myriad of sucks.  More for some people, than for others.

Life ends for each of us.  We have our children to inherit the earth.  We need to give them a better place to start from than debt, demise and world disorder.  But it kinda seems like that is what is happening.

I do my best.  I teach my children.

I love.

I am loved.

But I am broken. I've been broken for a very long time and this world right now is not helping things along.

Might.

Might, I try.  Keep trying.  I do.

I am.

I am healthy for my kids, my husband.

But, the one thing I am not ashamed of is how much I want to have a big old house.  Strange day dreaming from a gal, who did have her own washroom once, for briefly one year, until her parents moved again.  But, I digress.

I want granite.  I want a two stoves and microwaves.  I want a pool. I want a wrap around couch.  I want all these things for my family.  I've always wanted them, but they are getting more and more real in my mind ( don't worry not losing my mind - just yet ) , but why can't we have what others have?  Why can't we?

And then I cry for those that are suffering each night and I berate myself for wanting things like a house.  When there are children uncared for, men and women unloved and unfairly judged.  Why?

The Why I can't answer, but I know that we all need to keep our dreams alive, side by side, and cheer each other on.  It's the only way.

The airplane safety run through is so very true, you can't help anyone else unless you help yourself first.

Sandra XXOO

The Last Time.

We have all done things for the last time.

Kissed the last boyfriend before marriage.  Or just kissed the last boyfriend.

Graduated Kindergarden  I don't believe I had the cap and gown ceremony my boys had, but I did graduate.

Graduated Elementary school, whether that's been split up by Middle School or just all the way through.  I missed my Elementary school graduation, I went to Europe with my family and really never thought it was all that exciting to be a part of the grad festivities.  I'd rather be a world traveller at 13.

I also missed my University graduation, thinking the money involved in graduating wasn't worth the ceremony.  And really what was the ceremony?  Just reiterating what all my papers said, I graduated and I did well.  I think had a 3.4 GPA, (it is a true testament to my perfectionist tendencies that I really don't actually remember the number), considering I flunked out of first year, I did a pretty good job of turning things around.  And my parents, bless their beautiful hearts were just happy I finally graduated.

The first time I gave up on studying was in grade 11, my honour status went from 100% to well below that.  I wasn't doing drugs, drinking on the weekends or having unprotected sex.  I was tired. I had been studying like mad since I was in elementary school.  I had memorized full on textbooks just so there was no way I wouldn't know an answer to a question.

I had to know the answer.

I always had to know the answer.  How the book finishes, reading late at night with poor light, maybe why I where glasses today, just to know how it ends.  I hated Choose Your Own Adventure books, I wanted to know how it went, how it was supposed to go.  I hated TV shows that were "To Be Continued," I hated it even more when, before the age of binge watching, they skipped a week to let you know how the story finished.

I've slowly, very slowly become aware that things don't always have a way of turning out the way they are supposed to.  Growing up Catholic there was always a plan.  God had a plan.  But I'm not so sure that plan has to do so much with what we DO, but more with how we feel.

When was the last time you felt joy?

When was the last time you felt desire?

When was the last time you woke up in the morning and wanted to live fully and completely?

Don't worry I'm not really asking you, I'm asking me.

And probably not for the Last Time.

Sandra XXOO

P.S. Happy Canada Day!  I love the country that has adopted me as it's home.  I wouldn't want to live anywhere else.  Thank you.

P.P.S. My relationship with celebrating our achievements has evolved and I sure do wish I had gone to my University Grad, the Elementary school one, still on the fence. :-)