Holidays

I've taken a few days from work, more than a few, but it feels as if, like the entire COVID times,

one day is just rolling into the next. I don't get up before 6am, 9am, 11am, 12pm, at which point

I peruse Instagram, Facebook and Apple News. I go down so many rabbit holes. I should just binge

shows, but techically I am reading, which is being productive.

These are my mornings.

My evenings are spent making dinners and watching every possible Christmas movie I can.

Today is Saturday, I'm about to look for my next one!

But the other night I veered course and watched something I probably shouldn't have, something important, definitely, for women and the #metoo movement.

But this documentary hit me hard, and my feelings, already on high alert, were taken on a journey they weren't ready for.

I'm okay as long as I can keep my feelings where they belong, above the water where the sun can reach them.

I don't watch scary movies as a rule, my husband can attest, in our almost twenty years together, I attempted to watch one, and that was in the first six months of our togetherness.

He gets me.

This, however, was not a horror movie, it was real-life pain and real-life damage. Unforgivable in its portrayl of the truth.

Girls taken advantage of and boys held to no account. I cried hard. I'm not sure I slept that night.

We are raising boys. My husband is a good role model. We talk to them about respect on a regular basis.

The grown up me understands that these documentaries are more than important, they are stories that need to be told, I can't even imagine how many voices are silent when it comes to this topic.

These voices all need to be heard if the world is to change and it is changing. Slowly.

Audrie and Daisy is on Netflix.

Today is Jan 2, back to work on Tuesday, I'm looking forward to the routine.

I hope your holidays have had sparks of joy and plenty of rest.

Take care of yourselves, do something nice for you, even it it is as tiny as a short walk to breathe in the fresh air outside. Feed your heart and your soul.


Sandra XXOO

Eight Minutes and Counting

I did a little Christmas shopping today and noticed that my receipt from one of the retailers didn't look quite right. I went old school and decided to call the store.

Sometimes my stubborness gets in my own way, it's been ringing on speaker for eight minutes and counting. Oh we've hit nine minutes.

There is obviously no one there. Or if there is someone there they can't hear the phone. Or they are all laughing at me, waiting for me to hang up. Taking bets. Taunting me.

Oh this conversation has made a fast left turn. Does anyone remember waiting for the phone to ring. I come from that generation of long twisted cords pulled into my bedroom and talking to my friend till we had nothing more to ruminate over. The Hot Guy. The Almost Hot Guy. Her party coming up.

I hang up, 11:12. The silence, except for my boys making quite the ruckus in the other room, is golden. Even if I didn't get through. I can try again tomorrow, go back with the receipt and try again tomorrow.

I had to hang up, the consistent brrring at even intervals brought on some serious memories of when I had been the one waiting for the phone to ring, wishing it to ring, begging it to ring. I would have done somersaults, cartwheels and cannon balls (I know those are for the pool).

Side Note: Last time I tried an adult gymanstic course I was 18 and my shirt went full up and the rest of what was underneath was visible. I can't remeber the bra I was wearing, hopefully I was wearing one, just that the humiliation of that moment never left me.

I was always waiting for some guy I had placed on the pedestal of liking to call, maybe I wanted to impress him with my gymnastics.

I was dissapointed, have been disappointed and am disappointed in myself for givng myself away before I even had a chance for even a cup of coffee with the boy and sometimes we got past coffee all too quickly...

Keep yourself first in line. Hold your head up. Don't pretend to not care if he hasn't called. Just don't pretend that you do, try to find a parking lot in your brain where the mess can live until it drives itself away. These days, of course, you are not just waiting for a call, but a text, a dm, messenger, snapchat and more. So if he really wants to reach you, he will. Back when was when you could always console yourself into thinking he lost your number and do something dumb like call him. Texting is much easier and therfore way more dangerous. Don't text, dm, message, snapchat or anything else. If he wants you, he will find you.

And from personal experience, let them go or they will think you desperate forever. In their minds you are that girl. They will avoid you even if they see you pregnant ten years later, or so I hear.

Take care of you as much as you can, the smallest of steps counts. Don't let anyone in until they deserve a seat at your table. Make your table your own. Love you as much as you are able, your love for yourself will only get bigger and brighter until you realize that you are ok with whatever happens. If you believe in True Love it will find you and it will call you back, or friend you on Facebook and eventually make funny faces with you on snapchat. But until then you may have to kiss a lot of frogs. And you might regress, that is okay, happens to everyone.

It is the nature of the beast. Sometimes you just have to stalk the heck out of your crush, respectfully, of course, see that he is living his best life and leave him alone for good.

And for a minute, I forgot about my incorrect receipt, tomorrow is a different story, there's nothing like a mom gone wild, showing up at her favourite big box store and shouting, oh how you've been wronged me. Different story.

Hope everyone is doing as well as they can this season. Our tree is up, poinsetta purchased and snowflakes on the door. It makes me feel cozy.

Sandra XXOO

Sanitize

I am the good girl.

The nice girl.

The fallen angel

who hasn’t been caught:

wrought out

found out.

Rinse and Repeat,

my mind is scabby and dry,

as I try and try

to sanitize all the shit

I refuse to own.

Sandra Djak Kovacs

Drink

I fall like a woman.

Held on either side

by a different man,

Dignity be damned.

My secrets need to be

washed clean even if

it means the grave

pursuit of one more bar

and one last drink.

Sandra Djak Kovacs

My heart

My heart cracked,

Not like you see

in the movies or

those sweet tiny broken emojis,

But, like a building gone down.

Blasted.

Imploded.

Finished.

Wounds heal.

This one is still raw

enough to give you salmonella.

Fuck. You.


Sandra Djak Kovacs

Everything's Going To Be Alright

I am a silet secret scar -

Wedged in your backbone.

When you fall I hope you die.

In my arms,

Where the loss, the decay,

The ugliness will cry out as I hold

you close and tell you everything's going to be alright.

Sandra XXOO

Sun

I am a bright beautiful sun,

Radiating light, Radiating life,

I am surrounded by black holes, but the darkness and vastness of the universe does not scare me.

My purpose is clear.

Sandra XXOO