Sometimes...

Sometimes we can't say what we want to say.

We are shy.

We are worried that we will be thwarted.

We are afraid of other people's reactions.

But our truth is our truth and the sooner we say something, the sooner we know where we stand.
Whether or not you say it to everyone and anyone. Know that it is within you. Know what you feel and don't string people along.  Friends. Book Clubs. Religious Organizations.  Tell them.  You are done or not done, depending on where you stand.   Otherwise you find yourself in the land of purgatory, the in-between place, neither here nor there.

And sometimes that place is the only place you can be until you sort it out for yourself.

Until you find your way, your faith.  Your truth.

"The truth will set you free."  Once we recognize ourselves in the mirror and know how we want to walk in the world, find our faith, our core strengthens.  And we are free of the ties that bind us to whomever we might have thought we were.

Even though, as we all know, the truth looks so very different from whichever angle you are viewing it from.  Sometimes it is unclear and that is also okay.  Sometimes the truth is in the waiting.

Sandra XXOO

For something that can't even happen, what's the point?

What's the point?

It can't, won't, don't even think about it, happen.

Why go on?  

For something that can't even happen.

Why live? 

When the one thing you want, or many things, really, I mean, have you perused an Architectural Digest recently.  Those homes are the shit.  Those pools.  The kitchens. The floors.  I am addicted to them.

OMG.

Should I throw in the towel because I don't have a home in the right postal code/zip code?

Should I say what the fuck am I still doing here and run home to my modest townhouse where my family lives.

YES.

The children.  

Parents, despite their many faceted annoyances, don't look me in the face and lie, children, regardless of age, are sometimes, and sometimes, more than sometimes, annoying.   As we speak, I have a sleepover downstairs and they claim they are not being loud.  

They are loud.  

But the children, they have happened, haven't they?  And they are our love.

The marriage.

The life. Built. Together.

All happened.

The stuff that cannot even happen, who the fuck cares.  

Right. 

Who cares?  It is on the peripheral.  It doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter at all.

Ignore the double step in your heart when you wish for that perfect couch, keep calm and carry on.

My life is good, and sometimes I ache for glitter and gold and I know it is possible.  I don't need anyone or anything to tell me otherwise.  

Most of the time.  

Dreams are the fabric possibility is sewn from.  

In my fantasy house the pool sits next to the ocean and the waves billow as I sit and sip my sangria surrounded by my many dogs.  The kids are at school and hubby is working in his photo studio.

Cannot even happen, though, so maybe I should quit dreaming and make sure the dishes are done, the garbage taken out and work taken care of.  

I should behave like the Sandra everyone knows me to be, dutiful, wifeful, motherful and I should stop dreaming of a different life, where holidays are the norm and life is bigger.  Everything is bigger, and more and more is allowed.

But for somethings, for something that cannot even happen, I better scoot myself back into that Sandra.  Dreams are hard to hold onto, especially when they keep getting crushed.  Anyone can only handle so much before they either have to encase their heart in cellophane or go find Dorothy and beg for the Tin Man's heart.

Sandra XXOO 

In my head

Pretty sure that this is a song.

Just googled it and Ariana Grande comes up.  I'm sure I've listened to her and I'm sure she is great, but I am not as familiar with her music.  Something to look up I'm sure.

"And where did that come from?"

In my head.

In my head.

My head swarms with stories that are both real and unreal.  Who's to say what is right and what is wrong.

Well.

I guess there is a right and a wrong.  It's just up to me and those that I've decided to cast to figure out.

Tears.

Fears.

Happiness.

All of this lives in my head.

My focus for the New Year is to really work towards the Happiness.  The Happiness is where shit feels good and why should we compromise.  Why should we feel less than when we can be more than?

The choice is ours.

If we raise ourselves we raise others.

It is not a selfish pursuit.  Feeling good makes others feel good and particularly it makes life that much better.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get there just yet.  My head.  Like I said, not the greatest at deciphering the good from the not so good.  I'm working on it.  Maybe I'll even listen to that Ariana Grande song. Or maybe I won't.

Sandra XXOO