Hurt

I am reading a book right now, Son of a Trickster by Eden Robins, and a common line keeps coming up from the mother to the son, "Life is Hard, You've got to be Harder."

A lesson I have yet to learn.  I am all sorts of mush, not the clean kind or the fun kind but the truly deep down and desperate kind where you have to, by the minute dig yourself out of the mental hole you just put yourself in because you know that you are feeding yourself lies.

The lies come from everywhere.  The world is full of them, they float like waiting daggers for any mind that is susceptible to their wares.  They don't even have to sell me too hard on their product:  You are ugly.   You are not good enough.  You are dumb.  They were right you are not smart enough. Your body is not right.  You are not a good mother.   Why did you ever think you could be a writer.

Why are you going down rabbit holes where you don't belong?

It can get pretty crazy especially when any one of those is validated by people or circumstances.  Aha the ego says, see, it's true you are onto something.  You don't belong here.  And it very quickly goes to "You don't belong anywhere."

I felt hurt today by things that ultimately shouldn't matter, I shouldn't care.  I shouldn't. Period.  But I do and I can't help it.  I don't think I'm alone.  The crazy that takes us down one road and up another is just part of the journey sometimes.  Right now I'm in the thick of it and I can't see the trees from the weeds.

I write to feel better.  I napped for four hours.  I hugged my children.  I kissed my husband.  I drank Jaegermeister for the first time and, I liked it.  If nothing else today, I have found out that I like that herbal concoction of alcohol that is mired in the denizens of drunken lore.  Maybe it even felt like a little magic to find something new today and like it.  Not quite so poetic as one would like, I should have rediscovered the smell of the ocean or harped on how the sharp intake of cold in my lungs as the weather dipped below zero felt good and painful at the same time... Also all good.  But Jaegermeister, we are going to have an ongoing relationship from this point forward.

Maybe it will give me the kick I need as Eden Robins writes, "to be harder."  Life is hard.  It is also always going to keep kicking my ass.  I just have to be one step ahead and kick back first.

Sandra XXOO