Want & Need

It's safe to say most of the world, of course, not the whole world, got a lot of what they wanted, and a lot of what they didn't want on Christmas Day.

A day of whispered wishes to a man in red with a white beard.  Letters written, documented, to the North Pole.

Parents scattered and frazzled, indebted and in love with making the wishes of their little ones come true.

But who is running around making my wishes come true?

Is that too selfish?  I am running around and I am frazzled and I am indebted to the laws of the world and I am not sure how real my wishes even are.  How valid?

I live as I do daily.  I work.  I love.  I make dinner.  I exercise.  And yet I want more.  And more.

I want more life, more love, more house, more money, more and more.

Is that selfish?

I also want all those altruistic things like health for my family, like care for Great Grandma, teenagers who are good.  My parents to live long and longer.  My brothers to be good and healthy.

I want and I want.

But I also need.

I need to feel.  For so long those feelings were on ice.  Better not to be thawed.  Time to put them back I think.  I want to be a creative.  I want to live in the world as a voice for passion, for love and yet I am afraid. So afraid of what might happen if I put one foot forward and then the next.  Despite failure, despite it all, I have yet to give it my all.  Because if I do I'm afraid the rest of my world will fall apart.

Santa didn't bring me a pink or a red bow.  But I bought myself a necklace today with the letter S.  My letter.  My life.  My S.  For me.

Today my sister-in-law and I went for brunch and we ran into literally the real version of, Barbie's  Ken.  He stood in front of us with his boyfriend/date and he said, "Excuse Me."

The beautiful talk.  The beautiful have manners.  The beautiful have perfect puffed lips, that were not enhanced as far as my untrained eye could tell.  Just natural.  Just there in the world. OMG, this man was gorgeous. So gorgeous. And safe.  Safe to like, safe to love from far, far away.

I need.

I want.

I have a lot to figure out.  As we all do, beings that we are, housed in bodies living life and doing our best to not implode daily.  And somehow we get through and we think, enough is enough.  It is not.

Pay attention to what you need.  My beautiful Ken, I didn't need him, but it was oh so nice to have him mannerly move himself out of the way so that we could get into the tiny quaint restaurant to have our, ever-so-of-the-moment, avocado toast.

I need so much more.  We all do.

Sandra XXOO