Numb

As mentioned in my previous post, NUMB.

It is one of the main reasons I continue to survive.

I am NUMB overall to that which I do not want.

I am angry.  Sometimes.  A lot of the time.

Annoyed with my boys too many times.  Although, I do think that is rather normal, somehow, here the love transcends.

But underlying every one of these feelings is: NUMB.

Novocaine.  If it weren't for the NUMB the guilt of not being good enough would overcome me.  And I know I wouldn't withstand it.  It's been too many years and too many memory stores, the guilt would take me in it's validated arms and hold me tight until there was nothing more to hold.  It would absorb me.

I've felt guilt for no reason and every reason since I was fourteen years old.  It covered me like a heavy blanket and walked around with me all day every day.  Numb is a major improvement.

People do die, you know, from the pain of things:  The spiritual, virtual, mind spatial things of things.

People say a lot of things:  I'll always be there for you, Call if you need me, Don't worry everything will be all right.  I bleed for you.

All of us have said things we don't mean.  And all of us have said things in earnest, but we don't quite know how to translate the earnestness to action. Its ok.  We only have one person we need to be telling things too and that is ourselves.  Let's shore up there before we get ahead of ourselves.  Of course, I am speaking for myself, entirely.

We are individual seekers.  We are ourselves and we are whole at the same time.

People change.

Their minds.

Or their minds, like mine, play tricks on me and make me believe the impossible is true.

Numb.

I am like everyone else.  Minus the part where I think I don't feel,  I miss those I miss.  It doesn't mean they miss me. I love those I love.  It doesn't mean they love me.  (I may be off the mark, but I'm pretty sure all those that I love, minus Ricky Martin, love me back.  Yes. Ricky Martin. It's a story).  I dislike those I dislike, and most of the time they dislike me too. It's just the way things go.

Things go on.  We are not going to be here forever, but for right now, to get through, to keep going, to keep loving, I need to feel less.  Strange but true.  Doesn't mean that I don't carefully review my husband's Valentines Day card.  We both agree the one I gave him is by far better.  True, not just because he has to agree with it.  After seventeen years together he knows how to love me.  Even in this season of less.  And that helps the Numbness to begin its thaw.

The beautiful bouquet of roses, that once smelled so sweet, are beginning to fall apart petal by petal. It's just one of those things.

He loves me.  He loves me not.


Sandra XXOO