One More Day

Still here!  And the family life is going and glowing at the same time.  Like many, work is posing its own set of problems and family as well. In our case, the boys are good, its Grandma, who is under the care, thank goodness, right now of the right people, but has dementia.  And my husband, her sole caregiver is overwhelmed with a new job and looking after the most important woman in his life, next to me.

And me, well, I've gotten up today, barely showered, got semi-nicely dressed and put a little make-up on.  I damn well try.   I semi-succeed.  My life feels like a strange show no one wants to watch on Netflix.

I went to work and worked. Well.

But, I am drowning and I am not sure how I am going to lift myself up.

I went to yoga.

I did the dishes.

Somewhat, semi-succeeding at keeping my head above water.

My son had his first live band show and he was amazing.  That was this past weekend and I was so proud of him my heart nearly fell out of its chest as I cleared the way to make sure I was front and centre to record him.  I love him so much.  He plays the drums and he is good, really, really, good.

It broke my heart.

His joy, his worry that his band members wouldn't arrive.  His performance.

Perfect.

My children.

My husband was home to go with us, and we had some time together.  It was altering.  With his new job we don't get to see a lot of Senior Kovacs.  But it was nice, so so so nice to have this weekend together.

A family.

My younger son had a sleepover.  I made brunch.

Life is full of beautiful and full of wonderful moments and yet, I am not fully present.  I lag. Like the damned internet as my son will say, "The Internet is garbage mom, my game won't work."

I am not fully present.  My game is lost.  I am lagging.

I am half-here and half-alive in my head where life is different.

In my head, I don't even know, we are happy.  We are happy now, mostly.  I think I am the secret ingredient, and, not the good kind.

I want more.

I want more.

And I'm not sure what I even mean by that.  We create our own lives.  It's time I started taking my creations and acknowledging them.  If I want to be happier.  I have to move up from depression.

I'll work on it.

Nothing is guaranteed.

I really appreciate the twenty or so folks who read this blog.  I really want to thank you.

Honestly.

It makes me feel less alone.

Here's to one more day.

Sandra XXOO