The Last Time.

We have all done things for the last time.

Kissed the last boyfriend before marriage.  Or just kissed the last boyfriend.

Graduated Kindergarden  I don't believe I had the cap and gown ceremony my boys had, but I did graduate.

Graduated Elementary school, whether that's been split up by Middle School or just all the way through.  I missed my Elementary school graduation, I went to Europe with my family and really never thought it was all that exciting to be a part of the grad festivities.  I'd rather be a world traveller at 13.

I also missed my University graduation, thinking the money involved in graduating wasn't worth the ceremony.  And really what was the ceremony?  Just reiterating what all my papers said, I graduated and I did well.  I think had a 3.4 GPA, (it is a true testament to my perfectionist tendencies that I really don't actually remember the number), considering I flunked out of first year, I did a pretty good job of turning things around.  And my parents, bless their beautiful hearts were just happy I finally graduated.

The first time I gave up on studying was in grade 11, my honour status went from 100% to well below that.  I wasn't doing drugs, drinking on the weekends or having unprotected sex.  I was tired. I had been studying like mad since I was in elementary school.  I had memorized full on textbooks just so there was no way I wouldn't know an answer to a question.

I had to know the answer.

I always had to know the answer.  How the book finishes, reading late at night with poor light, maybe why I where glasses today, just to know how it ends.  I hated Choose Your Own Adventure books, I wanted to know how it went, how it was supposed to go.  I hated TV shows that were "To Be Continued," I hated it even more when, before the age of binge watching, they skipped a week to let you know how the story finished.

I've slowly, very slowly become aware that things don't always have a way of turning out the way they are supposed to.  Growing up Catholic there was always a plan.  God had a plan.  But I'm not so sure that plan has to do so much with what we DO, but more with how we feel.

When was the last time you felt joy?

When was the last time you felt desire?

When was the last time you woke up in the morning and wanted to live fully and completely?

Don't worry I'm not really asking you, I'm asking me.

And probably not for the Last Time.

Sandra XXOO

P.S. Happy Canada Day!  I love the country that has adopted me as it's home.  I wouldn't want to live anywhere else.  Thank you.

P.P.S. My relationship with celebrating our achievements has evolved and I sure do wish I had gone to my University Grad, the Elementary school one, still on the fence. :-)