Too Far.

I have been living life in too many lanes.  Not telling anyone, and thinking no one had noticed.  But it was just that no one had said anything.

It all came to a head last week when I went way too far. I'm not going to get into details because I have finally found the grace to forgive myself.  Tell myself I did nothing wrong.

It was just a blip in time.

It won't happen again.

I've always been careful to not go too far.  To be the good girl.

I just finished watching Taylor Swift's Netflix special and I am sure I am not the only one who has that in common with her.  She states over and over that she was singing and dancing for the validation of her fans, for the validation of being a good girl.

That has been my whole life until it just about fell apart.  I'm not a singer/dancer/songwriter or multi-millionaire, but I am a woman. Mother.  Wife.  Employee

Those things come with responsibilities that are not easily cast aside, in my case it has been years worth of self-loathing and self deprecation that brought me to the closest edge I've ever been.

And friends, I got scared, damn scared.

I never said I was sorry.  Purposefully.  I didn't want to be sorry.  Except to one person.  Someone else said, "You shouldn't feel that bad."

But bad I did feel and my depression and anxiety over what I had done went into overdrive.  But I managed to pull out of it.  Not unscathed.  Still prickly and, at any moment, ready to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

And then the whole world went into the COVID-19 chaos and I had no choice but to show up soundly for my family.  They need me whole.

I need me whole.

I am not fully over it (the thing that happened), but right now it is water under the bridge as I stand and hold onto the hands of my sons and husband and just breathe.

We are all in this together.  All of it.

Sandra XXOO